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t’s no secret that love lives in the adult industry can get…complicated. Relationships are hard enough already, so adding sex work into the mix can cause even more friction. Some sidestep the problem altogether by staying single. Others produce content only with their partner, often sacrificing career opportunities in order to remain monogamous. For many, adult professions are most successful with a non-traditional relationship dynamic. How does love work in the adult industry when you’re not sexually (or even emotionally) exclusive? There’s not just one answer to that question. Here’s how some of the biggest adult stars build love lives that work for them.
Firstly: a note on terminology. Everyone uses words differently, and each definition I offer is only a generalization. In this piece, I use Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) as an umbrella term that includes a wide range of dynamics and lifestyles.
Swinging Into Porn!
Tons of big-name adult stars either are (or used to be) swingers: couples who enjoy partner-swapping or group sex together. It’s a lifestyle (sometimes referred to as “the lifestyle”) that’s been around for ages, beginning around the 60s free love movement. There are swingers clubs, parties, and events where folks go with their significant other to find some extra fun. It’s a hobby couples generally enjoy together that almost always includes remaining “emotionally monogamous.” It’s common for folks ‘in the lifestyle’ to take photos and videos of their encounters– an easy segue into content creation. Plus, it’s an approachable ‘trial run’ before industry work to see if non-romantic sexual encounters can feel good for everyone involved.
Hailey Rose is one star who found porn through swinging. When Hailey and Max Fills first started dating, they knew their physical passion couldn’t be contained. Meeting up with local swingers was a way to enjoy their hefty sex drives. Still, there wasn’t a desire to meet up with other couples outside of swingers events or open up romantically. As Hailey put it in our interview, “We'd always come home as a pair at the end of the day, and that has a lot of security in it.” That mix of security and sexual liberation led the couple into content creation that bloomed into successful mainstream adult careers for both of them.
Hotwives on the Hub
Adjacent to swinging is another sexy subculture: hotwifing. Instead of couples hooking up together, in this subculture wives take center stage. They enjoy sex freely while their husbands bask in their wives’ desirability. Although some hotwives’ husbands are cuckolds who enjoy being humiliated by “infidelity,” many just like sharing and showing off their sexy partners. That can mean going to swingers clubs together, chatting about hot encounters she had without him, or even exchanging pictures and videos of the hookups. That’s where porn comes in!
That’s how Holly Hotwife found the adult industry. Back in the ‘good old days’ of NSFW Tumblr, she and her hubby Vincent Jones started a blog focused on hotwifing. He posted daily dares for her to complete, from flirting with her boss to masturbating in the car. Fans flocked to the page, suggesting challenges and egging Holly on. It was thrilling and the couple couldn’t get enough, so it only made sense to ramp up the fun. First it was photos and videos on Tumblr, then livestreaming. Now, Holly’s starred in scenes for Brazzers, Vixen and more (not to mention her independently-produced work). “There’s so much communication, comfort and trust that anything and everything can be fun,” Vincent gushed on Holly Randall Unfiltered “It’s so hot for me–the hottest thing ever.”
Polyamorous Pornographers
It makes sense that types of ENM focused on sexual freedom would lead folks to the adult industry, but ENM can be about so much more. Many adult stars are polyamorous, fostering multiple romantic relationships at once, investing time and commitment expansively. For many, it’s about freedom and diversity: having many loved ones who occupy different spaces in one’s life, the same way one can love family members, friends, and a partner without ranking their importance. Polyamory includes loving commitment to multiple partners, not just sex.
For King Noire, “Polyamory isn’t about sex: it’s actually about getting to know people, building relationships and loving somebody.” While jealousy and difficult emotions can come up, that’s true for all relationships. What’s important is communication and mutual respect. To King, it’s important to share one's desires and discomfort, but setting rules on what your partner can explore in life is just controlling. “Ownership and love have nothing to do with one another,” he shared on Holly Randall Unfiltered. When he met his wife and business partner Jet Setting Jasmine, she made it clear she didn’t want anyone’s will constraining her life, no matter how much she loved them– something that made them even more compatible. Since then, their relationship has flourished with intentionality and freedom that helps each of them grow.
Siouxsie Q feels the same way about her marriage with Michael Vegas: rather than ‘allowing’ each other to ‘explore’ with others, they have interlocked lives with full autonomy. Michael and Siouxsie keep each other up-to-date as relationships evolve, but they don’t control what can and can’t happen. Unfortunately, as Siouxsie put it on Holly Randall Unfiltered, “Love is not finite, but time is.” Having a long-term domestic life and professional relationship makes their dynamic unique, and juggling multiple long-term partnerships can be a challenge logistically. Still, they’ve cultivated many deep connections, and whether they’re friendships, casual dates, hookups or long-term partners, they’re never ranked: “I treat every person like they are #1,” says Michael.
Rule of Three
It’s commonly assumed that polyamarous people are ‘couples’ with more than two. While most polyamarous people date separately, the fabled ‘throuple’ does exist: Abigaiil Morris would know. After growing up in a polyamarous family, it’s no wonder Abigaiil took to ENM herself. Now, she lives in a triad: she has two partners who are each other’s partners as well. They even have a “throuple room” with a “mega bed”! As she tells Holly Randall, “There’s no picking one over the other: I love them both fully.”
One of the best things about Abigaiil’s relationships is how they reduce pressure to be anyone’s One Person: “Nobody is left with that responsibility of carrying the entire relationship.” She knows that when she’s feeling lonely, there will almost always be one of them around to spend time with. When she needs her space, her partners have each other. It’s an especially pleasant arrangement as an adult performer. If she’s been on set all day, she’d much rather decompress without physical contact. It’s a relief to know her partners have each other for cuddles and sex, whether or not Abigaiil’s feeling up to it.
But Wait, There's More!
The beautiful thing about ethical non-monogamy is that it’s different for everyone. This article barely scratched the surface of the ENM iceberg, let alone all the accomplished sex workers who fall somewhere under the umbrella. Still, it’s useful to remember that there’s not one correct way to love. If there’s trust, respect, and communication, almost any dynamic can be part of a flourishing life (and adult career!). For anyone interested in reading more about the diverse forms love and sexual practice can take, here’s a few options:
Stepping off the Relationship Escalator (2017) by Amy Gahran
Love’s Not Color Blind (2018) by Kevin A. Patterson
Polysecure (2020) by Jessica Fern
The Ethical Slut (1997) by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton
All About Love (1999) by bell hooks
