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remember very vividly one pandemic day, shortly after NYC went into lockdown, walking out of my room to go to my kitchen where I knew my roommate would be, to just casually announce: "I think I'm going to do porn." She was clearly caught off guard but, at the time, she was one of the most supportive people in my life. She ended up saying, "Okay, what made you make this decision?" I told her that a guy had DMed me on Instagram to suggest that I sell the lingerie-clad photos I was posting to my Instagram on OnlyFans. This was during a time when I really wanted to be a body positive influencer. So to spread the word (to my hundred and something followers) that fat is beautiful, I dedicated my time to wearing things that were usually discouraged for anyone over 120lbs to wear, lingerie being the major thing. Because fat girls could never be sexy or desired, right? Upon seeing his message, I had never heard of OnlyFans and thought he was a scammer that had attached a phishing link to his DM. Just another one of those bots, I thought. The seed was planted though. I was a hairstylist at the time and salons had shut down as they weren't really adaptable to the beginning changes that COVID forced upon society. My income was severely affected. I was in need of cash, so the thought of getting paid for my photos was appealing.
When my interest is piqued, I become a researching fiend. I deep dived into OnlyFans, online sex work — and because of a comment my hookup made ("You should do porn. You would be really great at it.") — also looked into porn. My research told me enough that my lingerie-clad photos would only take me so far, and that if I really wanted to make money, my content had to go further. In the beginning of my sex work career, the furthest I was willing to go was solo porn. Truthfully, I did not need much convincing to start my OnlyFans because I was a closeted sexually curious deviant. Sex work was always an interest of mine. There was one day when I stayed home sick from school at the age of 8 or 9 and flipped through the TV channels before landing on Demi Moore's chair act scene in Striptease. That left an imprint on me. Then growing up in LimeWire days and unsupervised internet time, I would happen upon all kinds of porn. I will also admit that I have, in moments of absolutely hating my civilian jobs, said the all too cliché: "I'm going to quit and become a stripper!" (To all my fellow SWers, I'm very sorry.) The pandemic brought on this sense of do-or-die feeling. We had no idea what the next days or weeks or months would bring, so it was now or never. Which is why after all the research, I just casually walked into my kitchen and announced it to my former roommate.
We got to work! I made a profile on OnlyFans, and she did my hair and makeup. With my iPhone, we took a ton of photos of me in my very small bedroom. I thought I was on my way to riches. Turns out... I didn't do enough research. It wasn't what I thought it was going to be. I barely made anything. What was I doing wrong? I did more research and realized I needed to market myself on any and all social media platforms. That's when I realized what the 'work' in sex work really meant. Fast forward to two years later: I'm living in Miami and I'm more established in the industry. I never reached being a porn star household name like Karla Lane or April Flores but I was emerging. At this point, I was still only doing solo content and thought it was time to expand to BG content. I was hooking up with a guy from Hinge at the time and trusted him enough to ask him if he would consent to filming our sex together. He was very into it. After releasing my first BG scene, I began working with other male creators. This went on for about a year.
Let's take a moment to acknowledge what was happening internally for me at the time. There were many factors at play here but let's just focus on these two: 1) I had always been fat and 2) my upbringing from the ages of 13 to 21 was in a Christian cult. These caused an internal polarization within myself. My cult upbringing had me feeling like I needed to reclaim my body and mind, and form my own morals and values. At the same time, I had this internalized shame and guilt. One moment, I felt empowered by choosing for myself what I wanted, especially in the sex department. Next, I questioned it all. Then we have the factor of never feeling beautiful because of my weight. So now I'm thinking the more I am "fuck you" about it, the more I'll feel empowered. I thought the solution to my self-esteem and confidence was to put myself in situations where I really didn't want to be. I thought, "Maybe after this sex scene I will feel empowered of my own sexuality." Unfortunately, I never got there in that manner. The more sex scenes I filmed, the more I felt my self-esteem shrivel.
Here's a disclaimer just to set the record straight: I support all forms of sex work. How I felt while making porn is my own relationship with it. Just because it's not for me, doesn't mean it's not for everyone. What works for one person might not work for another and that's the case here. I still think porn is empowering! It just simply wasn't my way of feeling that. Burlesque is.
I had reached my breaking point with creating adult content after I had ignored myself and felt sexed out. This further disconnected me with my body and sexuality, because if anything, it was my radical Christian upbringing that did 95% of that damage. Around this time was when I started connecting with a new friend in Miami who introduced me to Dita Von Teese. No, unfortunately, not in person but to her as a public figure and her body of work. When I saw her martini act, I felt like I had met God themself. It felt as if everything that I had experienced was to bring me to this exact moment. Burlesque was, and still is, exactly everything that I was looking for: celebrating the body, being erotic, sexy, wearing beautiful costumes, the hair and makeup, and an audience to celebrate my body with. I love the idea of 'sex' but when I think of 'sex,' I don't think of the climax. What I think of is the buildup — the tension that lives between the people who are engaged in the act. That building of heat and lust is my personal favorite. The climax lasts a short time but that push, pull, fire, and buildup can be as long as the people involved would like it to be. That's what burlesque is to me: that moment in my hands.
That moment, however, requires a great deal of being present within your body. There's a lot going on from watching your space, remembering cues, making eye contact with the audience, unhooking or unzipping or ripping garments, and making sure you're centered and projecting from inside so you can take your audience where you want to. It's a challenge and I've never felt time move slower. During a performance there is no retake, cut, or delete. If you fall, it's in real time and you can't do it over. I am someone who has always been self-critical and a perfectionist, and I sometimes ask myself, "What have you gotten yourself into?" This is prominent minutes before performing. You can't hate yourself on stage — the audience will feel that. You can't reprimand yourself or feel ugly. So we have mind-body connection combined with actively loving yourself, all in the span of a few minutes. I can't think of a better way to heal.
This journey has been one that has been filled with a lot of death and rebirth. For the astrology lovers out there, this all happened during my Saturn return and the Sagittarius and Gemini eclipses (I'm a north node Sagittarius and Gemini South Node). I left porn shortly after discovering burlesque and began to pursue that instead, but I never regretted my time making BG content. Making porn really gave me my voice and helped start my being able to choose what to do with my body for myself. I knew the consequences that would come from it, especially the part of what my family would think when they found out, but it was the first time I followed my gut. It opened me up to a whole new industry and a whole new group of women, men, and femme presenting people that I had been brought up to think of a certain way. Porn gave me a place in the world as a black sheep and to be the pioneer for my own autonomy. If it weren't for my time making porn I'm not sure I would have done burlesque. I'm thankful for it.
